The term self care can be triggering, especially for moms. Which is why we have broken down what self care IS what it is NOT.

When we hear ‘self-care,’ it can spark a range of emotions. Moms can often experience many of these emotions at once: envy for those to have opportunities for self-care, pressure to find ways to execute self-care, and confusion about what counts as self care are among them. 

So let’s run through what is self-care, and what isn’t.

Self-care means doing things that actually improve your mood, relax you, and take care of your body and mind. It can be different for everyone, but it is not something that is done under pressure or with a rushed mentality. For instance…

Cleansing as Self-Care. Taking a bath or a shower can be self-care if you are doing it because you find cleansing to be a calming experience, especially if you have a bath bomb or a shower soother to drop in. What DOESN’T count as self-care is a rushed shower taken while kids are screaming in the background, in which you have to get in and out several times to make sure no one is dying.

Organizing as Self-Care. If you like rearranging your space, this, too, can be self-care. But only if it’s something you’re doing for fun or relaxation, not something you have to do to keep the baby from climbing up onto the kitchen counter.

Escape as Self-Care. Sometimes you need to get away. We know quite a few moms who book a local hotel room once or twice a year (many will give you a local resident discount!) just so they can sleep deeply and watch tv and eat a burger without anyone stealing their fries. Escape can definitely be self-care. But it only counts if you’re actually relaxing. If you’re travelling for work, that’s not self-care. If you bring your kids, it definitely isn’t self-care. Make sure to keep these things in mind as you try to lob off a small piece of time for yourself.

Eating as Self-Care. Food can be healing. Taste is important sensory input, and all too often we forget how calming it can be to eat something we enjoy. But it doesn’t count as self-care if you make it for everyone. And it doesn’t count if you have to eat it while hidden behind the refrigerator door to make sure no one steals it. Think of it this way: if there’s a component of stress to your self-care, it’s not self-care. 

You may be thinking to yourself, “Ok, but then how the F do I do self-care when I have no time and no energy and nothing left to give myself?” And that is exactly the point. We give everything we are to our families. We give them our love and our time and our effort. All too often, we forget to do the same for ourselves. 

It is normal to feel selfish about doing something just for us. Or we worry that by planning self-care time, we’re putting the onus on our partners to pick up the slack. It’s even harder for single parents, who might have to commit financial resources to exercise self-care. This is how “self-care” becomes something that inspires stress rather than relief. Because finding a way to get self-care becomes another burden.

Here’s what we recommend.

1. Start small. If you don’t have a lot of time to yourself, carve out an hour after bedtime when you can lock yourself in the bathroom or the bedroom and do something for yourself.

2. Lean on your friends. Set up a conference call with your friends so you can knit together. Or have an outdoor drink on the porch with someone. Once you involve someone else in the planning, you’re more likely to follow through on your commitment to self-care.

3. Try to remember that self-care helps EVERYONE in the family, not just you. When we are spread too thin, we don’t help anyone. We’re more likely to cry, to snap, and to fall apart. So try to think of self-care as another (more fun) form of family care.