Managing the Second Arrow in Pregnancy

One of the hardest things about pregnancy is the Not Knowing. Every time you have a little pain, it could be nothing: gas, a muscle cramp, a baby foot… or it could be the dreaded something. A little blood in your underwear? Could be nothing, could be something. 

So you do an internet search, or you ask in a Mom group, and suddenly that one little pain turns into a much bigger problem. Now you’re sitting on the couch, running through every horror story you ever heard, and every terrible What If scenario that started with just one little tiny pain.

It brings to mind the Buddhist parable of the two arrows. The first arrow is the event itself: the little pain in your side that won’t go away. You can’t stop that from happening. You didn’t see the arrow coming until it was already lodged in your chest. (Fun, right?) 

But the second arrow is the suffering, the thinking, the worrying. You can't’ stop that one either, but you CAN see it coming. The idea is that, in fact, we are harmed by our reactions to events as much as we are harmed by the initial event. Never is this more true than in pregnancy, when anxiety can make a big impact on your health.

“Ok,” you’re thinking, “But what am I supposed to do about it? It’s not like I’m going to magically stop experiencing pains.”

Sadly, no. There will be gas pains and baby kicks and muscle cramps for many of us. And being told to calm down about it won’t make a bit of difference. But what will make a difference is recognizing the distinction between the first arrow (out of your control) and the second arrow (something internal that you can examine). 

So no, you might not be able to stop the pain from happening, but you can decide to try to stretch, or breathe, or even fart, and see if that helps before you start Googling things. You can try to remember that these little pains happen to everyone. And instead of asking yourself “What could go wrong?” you can ask yourself “What could go right?”

Nothing will make these arrows disappear. We all go through them every day. But taking the time to recognize your own mental state, and focus on controlling your anxiety before it catches fire? You can do that. You already are doing it every day. 

But in case you need an extra reminder, here are three things you can do to manage that second arrow:

1. Get thee to a doctor. If you’re scared, internet hunts will not help. Get checked out, face it head-on. Then you’ll be able to breathe easier because at least you’ll know what’s going on.

2. Stay off the internet. I know this is pretty hypocritical advice, considering where this is posted, but try not to go down the rabbit hole for every little pain or worry. The internet is as entertainment-oriented as it is fact-oriented. That means you’re not going to find a lot of “I had this and it was nothing,” because that’s not all that interesting. Instead, you’ll see tons of “She thought it was nothing but really it was a watermelon-sized tumor!” That’s what gets clicks. So close that laptop for a while.

3. Practice some mindfulness. Try not to get ahead of yourself. One little pain isn’t the same as a full-on contraction or a miscarriage. Don’t turn it into something it’s not; instead, try to focus on what it is. Stick with what’s happening now, and try not to let your imagination run into the future.

4. Take your mind off of things. What’s your favorite escape? Romance novels? Netflix? A run? Do that. Find a way to forget about the thing that’s scaring you. Once you finish your fun activity, it might seem like less of a big deal than it does right now.

5. Remind yourself that not everything is in your control. You can take care of yourself, body and mind, and that’s all you can do. Spiralling won’t make anything better. Sometimes it’s calming to remember that some things are just out of your hands.

And if you can’t do any of the above, and the second arrow hits you harder than you might like: cut yourself some slack. It’s ok to get nervous. It’s ok to get overwhelmed or scared. Sometimes you can’t avoid those things, and that’s ok too. Try to keep it from turning into a third arrow, and call it a success. None of us is perfect, and mental health is a tricky beast. Be kind to yourself.